Just a quick post this morning to celebrate the changes to my body. 29 weeks ago, I was fat, tired, scared and stuck to the lounge. Now, I am thin, full of energy and excitement for my life. So much has changed for me that it is hard to capture, hard to remember what my life was like. I definitely feel like I am leading my life now, and there is no going back!
Here are the numbers:
Start May 2011
Weight: 96.7kg
BMI: 36
Chest: 122
Waist: 122
Hips: 121
L leg: 66
R leg: 67
Now - November 30 2011
Weight: 64kg
BMI: 23.8
Chest: 95
Waist: 81
Hips: 95
L leg: 49.5
R leg: 51
Total Loss
Weight: 32.7kg
Weight loss percentage: 33.68%
BMI: 12.2
Chest: 27cm
Waist: 41cm
Hips: 26cm
L leg: 16.5cm
R leg: 16cm
Total cms lost: 126.2
Round 1: 16.1kg. 16.65% loss, 74cms
Round 2: 12kg, 15.8% loss, 44.5cms
WOW! Looking at those numbers is incredible. 126.5cms off my body! 41 cm off my waist! I think I've just saved my life!
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
Monday, 10 October 2011
Finding Joy
Finally I have the space to write in my blog again. I'm sticking with Kath's blogging challenge and number 3 is: Make me a list of all the NON FOOD self nurturing things that bring you joy. Count your blessings.
It's taken me a while to get to this one. I'm not really sure why. I think at the moment I seem to be in a bit of robot mode. I'm just doing what needs to be done, but I'm lacking intensity and a strong drive to get to my goals. My joy is also missing in action, so it's a bit of a challenge to write a post about it. It's not that I'm unhappy, I just don't feel like jumping off Oprah's couch with joy. Maybe this is a good thing for now. Before I started the 12wbt my emotions were up and down. My days had sugar highs and lows. Chocolate brought me joy. I always felt tired and lethargic with lots of negative self talk. Life doesn't feel like that anymore. I am much more stable, no longer affected by sugar and have lots more energy and generally feel good about myself. Maybe it's just a case of feeling more neutral and adjusting to this new way of life. Maybe I've got so much joy I don't notice it because it's always there.
So let's explore where i find my joy now.
1. Riding my bike - I love the feeling of getting out on my bike and finding an adventure. I love finding hills I can conquer and I love checking to see if I rode faster than last time.
2. Pump class - I can't really believe this is a place I feel joy given at the beginning of this health journey I really didn't want to do weights. I really enjoy my instructor and am proud of the way I have increased my weights over time.
3. Hearing my son laugh - there is nothing in the world that feels as good a knowing my son is happy and enjoying himself. I especially love it when it happens while we are playing together.
4. Having a clean and tidy house - I'm not a big fan of doing e housework, but when it's done and my house is spotlessly clean, I am one happy woman.
5. Clothes shopping - today, I could walk into ay shop and fit into a size 14. I am looking forward to the day it's a size 10, but for now I am really excited about how different I look and all of the choices I have.
6. Connecting with friends - I love to hang out with friends, ones that know me well and I can relax and laugh with.
7. My work - even though I don't feel like going sometimes, I do really like my work. I get to work with some great people, I get to teach some great students and I get challenged intellectually. I enjoy the opportunity to be myself, not my son's mother.
8. Being at the beach - I LOVE the beach. I love swimming in the beach, watching the waves, playing in the surf with my son, finding treasures in rock pools, building sandcastles. I especially love not feeling like everyone is looking at me because I'm really fat.
9. Sleeping - I love sleeping, it fills my energy cup and it gives my body time to replenish.
10. Growing my son - I'm working on growing a good man. One that knows himself, is articulate, can look after himself and then others. A man that is respectful of others, has dreams and goals and knows how to achieve them. I love to listen to him, to play with him, to follow his interests and help him see all that is possible for him. Even though parenting is hard at times (especially as a single parent) it's also the. Sot amazing and joyful experience of my life.
Hmmmm that's better! There is joy in my life. Still room for improvement and maybe even more excitement, but there is plenty of joyful times there. I'm looking forward to paying more attention to the joy and appreciating what I've got.
It's taken me a while to get to this one. I'm not really sure why. I think at the moment I seem to be in a bit of robot mode. I'm just doing what needs to be done, but I'm lacking intensity and a strong drive to get to my goals. My joy is also missing in action, so it's a bit of a challenge to write a post about it. It's not that I'm unhappy, I just don't feel like jumping off Oprah's couch with joy. Maybe this is a good thing for now. Before I started the 12wbt my emotions were up and down. My days had sugar highs and lows. Chocolate brought me joy. I always felt tired and lethargic with lots of negative self talk. Life doesn't feel like that anymore. I am much more stable, no longer affected by sugar and have lots more energy and generally feel good about myself. Maybe it's just a case of feeling more neutral and adjusting to this new way of life. Maybe I've got so much joy I don't notice it because it's always there.
So let's explore where i find my joy now.
1. Riding my bike - I love the feeling of getting out on my bike and finding an adventure. I love finding hills I can conquer and I love checking to see if I rode faster than last time.
2. Pump class - I can't really believe this is a place I feel joy given at the beginning of this health journey I really didn't want to do weights. I really enjoy my instructor and am proud of the way I have increased my weights over time.
3. Hearing my son laugh - there is nothing in the world that feels as good a knowing my son is happy and enjoying himself. I especially love it when it happens while we are playing together.
4. Having a clean and tidy house - I'm not a big fan of doing e housework, but when it's done and my house is spotlessly clean, I am one happy woman.
5. Clothes shopping - today, I could walk into ay shop and fit into a size 14. I am looking forward to the day it's a size 10, but for now I am really excited about how different I look and all of the choices I have.
6. Connecting with friends - I love to hang out with friends, ones that know me well and I can relax and laugh with.
7. My work - even though I don't feel like going sometimes, I do really like my work. I get to work with some great people, I get to teach some great students and I get challenged intellectually. I enjoy the opportunity to be myself, not my son's mother.
8. Being at the beach - I LOVE the beach. I love swimming in the beach, watching the waves, playing in the surf with my son, finding treasures in rock pools, building sandcastles. I especially love not feeling like everyone is looking at me because I'm really fat.
9. Sleeping - I love sleeping, it fills my energy cup and it gives my body time to replenish.
10. Growing my son - I'm working on growing a good man. One that knows himself, is articulate, can look after himself and then others. A man that is respectful of others, has dreams and goals and knows how to achieve them. I love to listen to him, to play with him, to follow his interests and help him see all that is possible for him. Even though parenting is hard at times (especially as a single parent) it's also the. Sot amazing and joyful experience of my life.
Hmmmm that's better! There is joy in my life. Still room for improvement and maybe even more excitement, but there is plenty of joyful times there. I'm looking forward to paying more attention to the joy and appreciating what I've got.
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
My Picture of Health
This blog post is in response to ShrinkingKath's week 2 blog challenge - what is my picture of health.
When I started the Michelle Bridges 12 WBT I wasn't really thinking in terms of health. Not that I didn't have health issues, but my focus was really on getting my priorities sorted so I could shake off my very bad habits for life. I definitely am on my way to kicking those habits and can turn my focus onto all the others things that the program can and has given me.
My picture of health captures my head, my heart, my hormones and my heel.
My healthy head sees me making healthy choices. I am now able to take responsibility for my life, I can think positively about who I am and what I am doing. I am no longer punishing myself with food and negative self talk. I am no longer stuck in a rut, unable to do anything to make life better. My healthy head takes control of my life and makes my choices easy. My healthy head chooses a life full of possibility, happiness, positivity and being true to myself.
My healthy heart enjoys the feeling of blood pumping as I exercise. It loves that my cholesterol is now in the healthy range after at least 5 years of it sitting rin the high range. My healthy heart loves to be challenged to reach new heights. It feeds my growing muscles and loves the strength I have. My healthy heart also has more room for love. It feels nurtured and cared for, which gives it more capacity to nurture and care for others. One day my healthy heart will be open to finding another to share some happiness with.
My healthy hormones are making sure I am having a menstrual cycle, and it seems to be quite regular. I've never had regular periods or anything that would even resemble a cycle. I have PCOS which plays havoc with my periods, my body's ability to store fat, and my fertility amongst other things. My hormones a enjoying the food I am feeding them and my body is responding in kind. I am feeling really confident that I have the ability to maintain this healthy hormonal state.
My not so healthy heel is desperately wanting to heal so I really can test all of the limits of my new healthy body. In one way I use my heel injury to ensure I am going gently, looking after myself and not going too hard with all of these changes. I have found exercises that I love to do that are low impact on my heel so are not in any way restricted. But I want to be able to run. I don't necessarily want to run far, I just want to be able to feel free in my body to play with and chase my son. To take myself on a walk/run outside instead of a bike ride. To be able to go to bootcamps or other exercise events that will stretch me physically and involve some running. I am seeing a new therapist so I'm hoping I can really shift the pain during this round.
Being healthy to me is feeling free and alive. It is feeling unrestricted and unburdened. I am so close to reaching it, but still have some are to work on during this round before I can really feel the freedom. Bring on the next 9 weeks of the program - I can't wait to feel the difference in my health at the end of this round.
When I started the Michelle Bridges 12 WBT I wasn't really thinking in terms of health. Not that I didn't have health issues, but my focus was really on getting my priorities sorted so I could shake off my very bad habits for life. I definitely am on my way to kicking those habits and can turn my focus onto all the others things that the program can and has given me.
My picture of health captures my head, my heart, my hormones and my heel.
My healthy head sees me making healthy choices. I am now able to take responsibility for my life, I can think positively about who I am and what I am doing. I am no longer punishing myself with food and negative self talk. I am no longer stuck in a rut, unable to do anything to make life better. My healthy head takes control of my life and makes my choices easy. My healthy head chooses a life full of possibility, happiness, positivity and being true to myself.
My healthy heart enjoys the feeling of blood pumping as I exercise. It loves that my cholesterol is now in the healthy range after at least 5 years of it sitting rin the high range. My healthy heart loves to be challenged to reach new heights. It feeds my growing muscles and loves the strength I have. My healthy heart also has more room for love. It feels nurtured and cared for, which gives it more capacity to nurture and care for others. One day my healthy heart will be open to finding another to share some happiness with.
My healthy hormones are making sure I am having a menstrual cycle, and it seems to be quite regular. I've never had regular periods or anything that would even resemble a cycle. I have PCOS which plays havoc with my periods, my body's ability to store fat, and my fertility amongst other things. My hormones a enjoying the food I am feeding them and my body is responding in kind. I am feeling really confident that I have the ability to maintain this healthy hormonal state.
My not so healthy heel is desperately wanting to heal so I really can test all of the limits of my new healthy body. In one way I use my heel injury to ensure I am going gently, looking after myself and not going too hard with all of these changes. I have found exercises that I love to do that are low impact on my heel so are not in any way restricted. But I want to be able to run. I don't necessarily want to run far, I just want to be able to feel free in my body to play with and chase my son. To take myself on a walk/run outside instead of a bike ride. To be able to go to bootcamps or other exercise events that will stretch me physically and involve some running. I am seeing a new therapist so I'm hoping I can really shift the pain during this round.
Being healthy to me is feeling free and alive. It is feeling unrestricted and unburdened. I am so close to reaching it, but still have some are to work on during this round before I can really feel the freedom. Bring on the next 9 weeks of the program - I can't wait to feel the difference in my health at the end of this round.
Thursday, 15 September 2011
Week 1 Blog Challenge
The beginning of 12WBT Round 2, 2011 is here. It's my second round in the program and I am really happy to be back in the swing of things. I had a consistent pre-season, losing a further 4.6kg in the 4 weeks. I stopped tracking my calories in and out and if I'm being honest, I wasn't putting the effort into my training as I was during the program. I kept thinking to myself - If Jillian Michaels was here, she would be yelling at me for phoning in my workouts! I kept going though and the best part about it is I did it because I wanted to and because it is part of my life now.
Right, into the purpose of this blog. ShrinkingKath has a blog - The Courage to Start http://courage2start.blogspot.com and she sets an unofficial 12WBT blogging challenge. This round I'm going to give as many of them a crack as I can. The first one: Introduce Yourself. Here's the Q & A...
1. Describe yourself in 25 words or less. You can get straight to the point - or bring your creativity into play.
I'm focussed on looking after myself, Open to adventure, loving mum committed to growing a great man, bike rider, pump lover, love to laugh.
2. What brings you to 12wbt? Getting fitter? Losing weight? (Gaining weight??) Are you first timer, a repeat offender??
This is my second round of 12WBT. I'm here to learn. On this journey I'm learning to love myself, to remain gentle and loving but to stretch myself and see what I am capable of. I'm learning to step into myself and be seen. This round I have somewhere between 11 & 15kgs to lose. I'll see what feels right when I get there. My goal weight is freedom - the place where I feel totally comfortable and confident in my skin and my body.
3. Why do you blog??
There's stuff that comes up for me and I figured it's easier to write it down than to keep it in my head. I use my blog to got to the places I'm not talking to others about.
4. Who is your biggest inspiration in life and why (doesn't have to be weight loss)
My son. He is amazing. He is funny, a great friend, loves adventure and trying new things. He is aware of his limits but he tests himself and perseveres when things are hard. He isn't afraid to let his feelings out if they are getting in his way. He thinks he's awesome (and he is) and his light shines brightly. There's a million other reasons why he inspires me, but that might be a whole different blog.
5. What things in life bring you the most joy?
Being with my son, laughing with friends, being outside on a beautiful sunny day, a clean house, a good night's sleep, feeling energetic.
6.What do you think your greatest challenge is going to be this round?
It's been a really long time since I've been this weight and the weight I'm aiming to be. My life was very different last time I was this weight and I'm a little worried some of the issues I was running away from then are going to resurface. I am also worried once I get closer to goal weight that I'll really drop the intensity and never quite reach it. Will I feel like I deserve it when I'm nearly there???
7. What are you most excited about 12wbt?
Reaching freedom. I have never done a program as good as this. The food is delicious, the support is wonderful, the opportunities are endless. It's all here for me to choose from. I love the many ways I get to choose the most loving choice each day. I am excited to see what I can achieve - to see the results of my hard work.
8. And what scares the pants off you?
I'm not scared. That's not quite right. I'm not running away from fear anymore. Whatever scares me I am going to walk right on in to. My fears are lessons I haven't wanted to face, they are the places where the answers are hiding. I'm fearful of not making it, I'm fearful of never feeling freedom. These fears won't stop me.
9. Tell me - right now - today - how do you feel about exercise in no more than 10 words
Love it - gives me space, tests my capabilities
10. Complete this sentence - in 12 weeks time - on the last day of 12wbt I am going to be feeling FREE
Right, into the purpose of this blog. ShrinkingKath has a blog - The Courage to Start http://courage2start.blogspot.com and she sets an unofficial 12WBT blogging challenge. This round I'm going to give as many of them a crack as I can. The first one: Introduce Yourself. Here's the Q & A...
1. Describe yourself in 25 words or less. You can get straight to the point - or bring your creativity into play.
I'm focussed on looking after myself, Open to adventure, loving mum committed to growing a great man, bike rider, pump lover, love to laugh.
2. What brings you to 12wbt? Getting fitter? Losing weight? (Gaining weight??) Are you first timer, a repeat offender??
This is my second round of 12WBT. I'm here to learn. On this journey I'm learning to love myself, to remain gentle and loving but to stretch myself and see what I am capable of. I'm learning to step into myself and be seen. This round I have somewhere between 11 & 15kgs to lose. I'll see what feels right when I get there. My goal weight is freedom - the place where I feel totally comfortable and confident in my skin and my body.
3. Why do you blog??
There's stuff that comes up for me and I figured it's easier to write it down than to keep it in my head. I use my blog to got to the places I'm not talking to others about.
4. Who is your biggest inspiration in life and why (doesn't have to be weight loss)
My son. He is amazing. He is funny, a great friend, loves adventure and trying new things. He is aware of his limits but he tests himself and perseveres when things are hard. He isn't afraid to let his feelings out if they are getting in his way. He thinks he's awesome (and he is) and his light shines brightly. There's a million other reasons why he inspires me, but that might be a whole different blog.
5. What things in life bring you the most joy?
Being with my son, laughing with friends, being outside on a beautiful sunny day, a clean house, a good night's sleep, feeling energetic.
6.What do you think your greatest challenge is going to be this round?
It's been a really long time since I've been this weight and the weight I'm aiming to be. My life was very different last time I was this weight and I'm a little worried some of the issues I was running away from then are going to resurface. I am also worried once I get closer to goal weight that I'll really drop the intensity and never quite reach it. Will I feel like I deserve it when I'm nearly there???
7. What are you most excited about 12wbt?
Reaching freedom. I have never done a program as good as this. The food is delicious, the support is wonderful, the opportunities are endless. It's all here for me to choose from. I love the many ways I get to choose the most loving choice each day. I am excited to see what I can achieve - to see the results of my hard work.
8. And what scares the pants off you?
I'm not scared. That's not quite right. I'm not running away from fear anymore. Whatever scares me I am going to walk right on in to. My fears are lessons I haven't wanted to face, they are the places where the answers are hiding. I'm fearful of not making it, I'm fearful of never feeling freedom. These fears won't stop me.
9. Tell me - right now - today - how do you feel about exercise in no more than 10 words
Love it - gives me space, tests my capabilities
10. Complete this sentence - in 12 weeks time - on the last day of 12wbt I am going to be feeling FREE
Friday, 2 September 2011
Round 2 Wrap Up
My first round of Michelle Bridges 12WBT ended in such a flurry that I haven't found the time to write a post about it. Now my second round is about to start and I want to write about my new goals, but feel I can't re-start without a wrap up.
I finished the round with a weight loss total of 16.1kg which saw my body drop 74cm of fat. So much changed for me over the 12 weeks that I'm not actually sure I could identify all of it. Importantly for my health, I dropped down into overweight on the BMI scale and I promise you I will NEVER be obese again! I feel I really did the emotional work I needed to do to not be caged in by grief anymore. I feel physically and emotionally lighter and stronger. I now believe that I can actually do anything! All I need to do is take the steps one at a time. My fitness has improved to the point that I am bounding with energy and enjoy my workouts. One of the things I am enjoying the most about my changes is feeling shiny. I don't have sugar high and lows anymore, I don't feel shame about my body and the food I'm eating. I feel balanced and confident and in control of my life. As a matter of fact I can truly say I am the leader of my life now. I take responsibility for my actions, I have clear goals and plans and I make the right choices to get me there. Wooooo Hooooooo! How great is that!
I'm feeling quite proud of the way i have embraced this challenge, i reckon i've smashed it! I'm not at the end though. I'm very excited about the next round and all that is to come.
Here's a photo of me with Michelle at the finale
Here's the wrap up stats:
Start weight: 96.7kg
Start BMI: 36
Finish weight: 80.6kg
Finish BMI: 29.97
Weight loss percentage: 16.65%
Body Measurements:
Chest: 122 down to 108 -14cm
Waist: 122 down to 95 -27cm
Hips: 121 down to 105 -16cm
R Leg: 67 down to 59 -8cm
L Leg: 66 down to 57 -9cm
Fitness test:
1km time trial on rowing machine: 5:06.6mins down to 4:18.6mins -48secs
Push ups - 1min: 27 up to 50 +23
Wall sit: 1:13.3mins up to 2:25.9 mins +1:12.6mins
Sit and reach: -3 up to +5 -+8cm
Abdominal strength: stayed on level 1
I've continued to lose weight since the round ended and am currently sitting at 76.7kg which is excatly 20kg since the beginning. So awesome! Bring on the next round! Can't wait to see the next lot of results.
I finished the round with a weight loss total of 16.1kg which saw my body drop 74cm of fat. So much changed for me over the 12 weeks that I'm not actually sure I could identify all of it. Importantly for my health, I dropped down into overweight on the BMI scale and I promise you I will NEVER be obese again! I feel I really did the emotional work I needed to do to not be caged in by grief anymore. I feel physically and emotionally lighter and stronger. I now believe that I can actually do anything! All I need to do is take the steps one at a time. My fitness has improved to the point that I am bounding with energy and enjoy my workouts. One of the things I am enjoying the most about my changes is feeling shiny. I don't have sugar high and lows anymore, I don't feel shame about my body and the food I'm eating. I feel balanced and confident and in control of my life. As a matter of fact I can truly say I am the leader of my life now. I take responsibility for my actions, I have clear goals and plans and I make the right choices to get me there. Wooooo Hooooooo! How great is that!
I'm feeling quite proud of the way i have embraced this challenge, i reckon i've smashed it! I'm not at the end though. I'm very excited about the next round and all that is to come.
Here's a photo of me with Michelle at the finale
Here's the wrap up stats:
Start weight: 96.7kg
Start BMI: 36
Finish weight: 80.6kg
Finish BMI: 29.97
Weight loss percentage: 16.65%
Body Measurements:
Chest: 122 down to 108 -14cm
Waist: 122 down to 95 -27cm
Hips: 121 down to 105 -16cm
R Leg: 67 down to 59 -8cm
L Leg: 66 down to 57 -9cm
Fitness test:
1km time trial on rowing machine: 5:06.6mins down to 4:18.6mins -48secs
Push ups - 1min: 27 up to 50 +23
Wall sit: 1:13.3mins up to 2:25.9 mins +1:12.6mins
Sit and reach: -3 up to +5 -+8cm
Abdominal strength: stayed on level 1
I've continued to lose weight since the round ended and am currently sitting at 76.7kg which is excatly 20kg since the beginning. So awesome! Bring on the next round! Can't wait to see the next lot of results.
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
Breaking Bad Habits
I'm taking up Michelle's challenge to reflect on 3 habits of the past and how they have changed during this past 9 weeks.
Habit 1: Eating Chocolate at Night
where did it stem from? It slowly crept from night time munchies with my partner to night time must have when I was by myself.
why did I become to attached to it? It was my saviour and my punisher. I could use chocolate to feel less lonely at night, to perk me up from feeling sad, to punish myself for being fat and disgusting and unworthy of anything.
what was the bullshit i had around it? i had to have it. i couldn't go the night without it. it was mine. it was all i had left to treat myself - i don't drink anymore or have much else fun in my life...
I haven't had any chocolate at all over the last 9 weeks, in fact I don't even remember the last time I did. I don't miss it, I don't crave it, I don't wish I could have it, I don't feel like I am stopping myself for eating it or some how being restricted.
how can i prevent it from reappearing? I have broken the habit and one step is to not go back to chocolate. If I eat chocolate again, it's to appreciate it's taste and in very small amounts. I have learnt that I am worthy of much more than that punishment and my body is not served by eating chocolate. I have also learnt that I need to find the fulfilment in my day. To love and care for myself and meet my needs all day everyday as that stops me needing something artificial at the end of the day. Planning my meals and exercise and tracking the food I eat also helps to keep me focussed on where I want to be. Chocolate is not my friend, my friends are my friends.
I'll come back to add the next 2....
Habit 1: Eating Chocolate at Night
where did it stem from? It slowly crept from night time munchies with my partner to night time must have when I was by myself.
why did I become to attached to it? It was my saviour and my punisher. I could use chocolate to feel less lonely at night, to perk me up from feeling sad, to punish myself for being fat and disgusting and unworthy of anything.
what was the bullshit i had around it? i had to have it. i couldn't go the night without it. it was mine. it was all i had left to treat myself - i don't drink anymore or have much else fun in my life...
I haven't had any chocolate at all over the last 9 weeks, in fact I don't even remember the last time I did. I don't miss it, I don't crave it, I don't wish I could have it, I don't feel like I am stopping myself for eating it or some how being restricted.
how can i prevent it from reappearing? I have broken the habit and one step is to not go back to chocolate. If I eat chocolate again, it's to appreciate it's taste and in very small amounts. I have learnt that I am worthy of much more than that punishment and my body is not served by eating chocolate. I have also learnt that I need to find the fulfilment in my day. To love and care for myself and meet my needs all day everyday as that stops me needing something artificial at the end of the day. Planning my meals and exercise and tracking the food I eat also helps to keep me focussed on where I want to be. Chocolate is not my friend, my friends are my friends.
I'll come back to add the next 2....
Sunday, 17 July 2011
And the feelings come.....
I've had a day where I have felt really hungry and more tempted to eat food that doesn't serve me than any other day since I have started the 12 week challenge. I'm just going to put it out there - I reckon it's just an emotional backlash from the blog I wrote last night.
It's a big thing to lay my life out like I have done in this blog. I am usually a very private person and only share my inner understandings and experiences with those very close to me. I have taken on the challenge of a public blog to challenge some of the fear that locks those experiences away and therefore locks me away. I want to be my real self, and to do that, I need to be and show the different dimensions of myself, not in a way that asks or expects of anyone else, but just to be seen. It's a way for me to trust that I can be ALL of me all of the time. I don't need to hide or morph myself into what I think others expect me to be. I just need to be me. Sharing my journey gives me strength and may even give someone else some too.
There does seem to be a bit of a consequence though - when I do it, I struggle with the vulnerability. My fear really kicks up a notch and that is why today I am craving the food I used to use to numb myself and hide. I went to the football this afternoon and I wanted to eat pies and hot chips. I wanted to eat the chocolate biscuits that my son ate. I looked at the calorie count on the biscuits and one was 87 cals. I could have fit it into my calories for the day, but that's not the point. I'm not doing this for the maths. I'm doing this to feed myself well. To give my body the food that serves it, that makes it sing with delight. So I didn't have a biscuit. I didn't fold into my cravings, I honoured my body today.
And instead of doing more of that craving, I'm writing here. Today I feel a little crap and that's totally fine. Today my guard was lowered, and that is totally fine. Today I held my ground, and that is bloody awesome. I might just be able to kick all of these old habits yet!
It's a big thing to lay my life out like I have done in this blog. I am usually a very private person and only share my inner understandings and experiences with those very close to me. I have taken on the challenge of a public blog to challenge some of the fear that locks those experiences away and therefore locks me away. I want to be my real self, and to do that, I need to be and show the different dimensions of myself, not in a way that asks or expects of anyone else, but just to be seen. It's a way for me to trust that I can be ALL of me all of the time. I don't need to hide or morph myself into what I think others expect me to be. I just need to be me. Sharing my journey gives me strength and may even give someone else some too.
There does seem to be a bit of a consequence though - when I do it, I struggle with the vulnerability. My fear really kicks up a notch and that is why today I am craving the food I used to use to numb myself and hide. I went to the football this afternoon and I wanted to eat pies and hot chips. I wanted to eat the chocolate biscuits that my son ate. I looked at the calorie count on the biscuits and one was 87 cals. I could have fit it into my calories for the day, but that's not the point. I'm not doing this for the maths. I'm doing this to feed myself well. To give my body the food that serves it, that makes it sing with delight. So I didn't have a biscuit. I didn't fold into my cravings, I honoured my body today.
And instead of doing more of that craving, I'm writing here. Today I feel a little crap and that's totally fine. Today my guard was lowered, and that is totally fine. Today I held my ground, and that is bloody awesome. I might just be able to kick all of these old habits yet!
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