It's near the end of week 3 and I am still really pumped and excited about this program and what is happening to my body and more importantly my mind. I haven't had any cravings for chocolate or any sweet thing. I haven't had any desire to self sabotage. In fact I'm noticing that I have positive self talk happening. That is probably the most incredible of all the changes so far. I am no longer spending my day thinking about how terrible I am because I ate a particular food, or how terrible I am so I should eat a particular food. In fact my feelings are not getting tied up with my food intake at all. I am just focussing on eating delicious and nutritious food when my body needs it.
I am sure this is obvious for most people. It's how I dream of relating to food, but not something I've ever really been able to achieve. I've been on so many diets, but I've always felt like I'm missing out on something, like I have to give so much up to lose the weight. I reckon that's a big reason why all the weight just piled back on. This time, on this program, my head is in the right spot. This is how I want to eat, this is how I can see myself eating from now on. This is what my body wants and this is what I want.
I don't want to eat chocolate because I remember how I felt when I ate it. I always wanted more of it and more of it. I would eat too much and feel sick and even ashamed. It was my punishment and sometimes my shameful secret. I used it to feed my loneliness, to feed my sadness and my fear. It was a habit and a need.
Now, I want to eat and feel joy because I have nourished my body and given it what it needs to be healthy and happy. I want to meet my loneliness and sadness and fear and honour it and let it go. I don't want it to be in control of my life anymore. Eating this way and moving my body through exercise is melting away my feelings of sadness and fear. I am happy because I am taking control. I'm not scared because it feels easy and possible and amazing to be doing this.
Not to say that I haven't had any humps along the way so far. At the beginning of last week I did a boxing class. I used to do them regularly a few years ago and absolutely loved it. Going into this class I knew it was going to be a challenge, but I ended up pushing myself too hard. I was the only beginner and the trainer was hard core. I didn't listen to my body. I ended up being in a lot of pain for the next 4 days. I didn't have the energy or the drive to do any exercise and it made me feel really sad and cranky. I was mad because I was in so much pain and I couldn't do what I wanted or needed to do. I was sad because I felt like I wasn't living up to my promise to myself. To lead my life, I need to keep safe and well. To push my limits but not exceed what my body is reasonably capable of. To maintain some gentleness so that I can get on with the rest of my life with joy and energy. It is a great lesson to learn so early in this transformative journey. I missed out on some training sessions and I think that affected my weight loss this week. I don't want that to happen again.
This week I am back on track. I have exercised each day and am looking forward to squeezing in a Saturday session as super as I can make it while my son is at a birthday party. I also want to fit in ab work every day. It's something I can easily do at home in the evening. I need to make it a new habit.
I also want to mention my dreams. The funniest thing has been happening. I reckon part of the reason I'm not craving the food I don't want to eat anymore is because I am eating it in my dreams. Last night I dreamt that I ate a chocolate ice-cream and some other creamy deliciousness. I've also dreamt of eating hotdogs and donuts and chips. Even in my dreams I feel guilty straight after eating it. In last nights dream I remember I even said that I wish I was dreaming about that and not actually eating it. As long as all of that weakness and sabotage happens in my dreams and not in reality, I'm a happy woman.
So, the transformation really has begun. I am leading my life, I am feeling strong and capable and energised. My head is in the right spot, it is making consistent loving choices. And my body is loving the food and melting off the fat. Week 1 weigh in -1.7kg Week 2 weigh in -1.7kg Week 3 weigh in -1.3 Total so far -4.7kgs. I just need to do that another 5 or 6 times and I'll be exactly where I want to be. Bring it on!!!
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