I'm taking up Michelle's challenge to reflect on 3 habits of the past and how they have changed during this past 9 weeks.
Habit 1: Eating Chocolate at Night
where did it stem from? It slowly crept from night time munchies with my partner to night time must have when I was by myself.
why did I become to attached to it? It was my saviour and my punisher. I could use chocolate to feel less lonely at night, to perk me up from feeling sad, to punish myself for being fat and disgusting and unworthy of anything.
what was the bullshit i had around it? i had to have it. i couldn't go the night without it. it was mine. it was all i had left to treat myself - i don't drink anymore or have much else fun in my life...
I haven't had any chocolate at all over the last 9 weeks, in fact I don't even remember the last time I did. I don't miss it, I don't crave it, I don't wish I could have it, I don't feel like I am stopping myself for eating it or some how being restricted.
how can i prevent it from reappearing? I have broken the habit and one step is to not go back to chocolate. If I eat chocolate again, it's to appreciate it's taste and in very small amounts. I have learnt that I am worthy of much more than that punishment and my body is not served by eating chocolate. I have also learnt that I need to find the fulfilment in my day. To love and care for myself and meet my needs all day everyday as that stops me needing something artificial at the end of the day. Planning my meals and exercise and tracking the food I eat also helps to keep me focussed on where I want to be. Chocolate is not my friend, my friends are my friends.
I'll come back to add the next 2....
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
Sunday, 17 July 2011
And the feelings come.....
I've had a day where I have felt really hungry and more tempted to eat food that doesn't serve me than any other day since I have started the 12 week challenge. I'm just going to put it out there - I reckon it's just an emotional backlash from the blog I wrote last night.
It's a big thing to lay my life out like I have done in this blog. I am usually a very private person and only share my inner understandings and experiences with those very close to me. I have taken on the challenge of a public blog to challenge some of the fear that locks those experiences away and therefore locks me away. I want to be my real self, and to do that, I need to be and show the different dimensions of myself, not in a way that asks or expects of anyone else, but just to be seen. It's a way for me to trust that I can be ALL of me all of the time. I don't need to hide or morph myself into what I think others expect me to be. I just need to be me. Sharing my journey gives me strength and may even give someone else some too.
There does seem to be a bit of a consequence though - when I do it, I struggle with the vulnerability. My fear really kicks up a notch and that is why today I am craving the food I used to use to numb myself and hide. I went to the football this afternoon and I wanted to eat pies and hot chips. I wanted to eat the chocolate biscuits that my son ate. I looked at the calorie count on the biscuits and one was 87 cals. I could have fit it into my calories for the day, but that's not the point. I'm not doing this for the maths. I'm doing this to feed myself well. To give my body the food that serves it, that makes it sing with delight. So I didn't have a biscuit. I didn't fold into my cravings, I honoured my body today.
And instead of doing more of that craving, I'm writing here. Today I feel a little crap and that's totally fine. Today my guard was lowered, and that is totally fine. Today I held my ground, and that is bloody awesome. I might just be able to kick all of these old habits yet!
It's a big thing to lay my life out like I have done in this blog. I am usually a very private person and only share my inner understandings and experiences with those very close to me. I have taken on the challenge of a public blog to challenge some of the fear that locks those experiences away and therefore locks me away. I want to be my real self, and to do that, I need to be and show the different dimensions of myself, not in a way that asks or expects of anyone else, but just to be seen. It's a way for me to trust that I can be ALL of me all of the time. I don't need to hide or morph myself into what I think others expect me to be. I just need to be me. Sharing my journey gives me strength and may even give someone else some too.
There does seem to be a bit of a consequence though - when I do it, I struggle with the vulnerability. My fear really kicks up a notch and that is why today I am craving the food I used to use to numb myself and hide. I went to the football this afternoon and I wanted to eat pies and hot chips. I wanted to eat the chocolate biscuits that my son ate. I looked at the calorie count on the biscuits and one was 87 cals. I could have fit it into my calories for the day, but that's not the point. I'm not doing this for the maths. I'm doing this to feed myself well. To give my body the food that serves it, that makes it sing with delight. So I didn't have a biscuit. I didn't fold into my cravings, I honoured my body today.
And instead of doing more of that craving, I'm writing here. Today I feel a little crap and that's totally fine. Today my guard was lowered, and that is totally fine. Today I held my ground, and that is bloody awesome. I might just be able to kick all of these old habits yet!
Saturday, 16 July 2011
Taking on the challenge
It's been a while since I posted. After my last post, I think I got a bit scared of writing again. So much has happened though and I wish I could have kept on writing so that I could look back at this blog and really see what I did, how I did it and what it felt like. I'll try and capture the important points in this post.
After my last blog, I decided that this round was my chance to really let go of my grief. I'm calling it my grief weight and just as I drop the fat, I'm going to drop all limitations that this grief has laid on me. The grief was paralysing and debilitating, it stuck me to the lounge, it stopped my in my tracks. I've broken through those shackles now and can take on any chunk of grief that comes my way by acknowledging it, talking to someone about it, pushing through it in a workout and keeping clear about who I am and what is mine. Grief doesn't serve me and it certainly doesn't lead me to freedom.
Which leads me to another amazing challenge that I have taken on - Emazon's Stand Your Ground workshop. I was quite nervous going in, I had no idea what it was going to be like and if it was a really physical workshop and if my body had what it needed to get through. Once it started though, I realised that I should have been more worried about whether I had what it took to dig in emotionally and come out the other side a different woman.
I find it hard to connect with people I don't know at events like that. I think I sit in my fear about who am I, what have I got to offer, people aren't interested in meeting me, I don't have anything interesting to talk about.... yeah, that's pretty inspiring self talk isn't it! So, consequently I didn't really connect much with the other women in the group. I'm going to keep on working on that. I had a great partner for the workshop though, Cherry was full of spirit and gave it all she had. She took the opportunity to strip back some of her fear and feel more of what it's like to be her. She was also able to hold the space for me quite well and helped me get to where I needed to go.
I really loved the workshop. I got to punch, punch really hard. I got to touch those places inside that have been really hurt and are really mad and they got to fight back. I got to stand up for myself in that workshop. I really felt what it was like to say - Fuck Off! You can't touch me, you can't hurt me! I got to fight back and feel strong and powerful and most importantly in control of me and what happens to me.
So much in my life I have absorbed other people's shit. I've been hurt sexually, physically and emotionally. I have struggled through trying to protect myself and trying to stay safe, but so much of the time I haven't been able to do it well. I realised that I have used my fat layer as an absorption layer. It's been a way for me to stay safe when other people have dumped their shit on me. I stood in the way of other people's shit because I thought I could take it, I thought that it wasn't hurting me that much and I was strong enough to take it on. Emazon changed all that. There was one activity we were doing where Cherry was coming back at me with the pads after I had hit them. I kept hearing Emazon say - move around, don’t just take the punches, and I wasn’t sure what she meant or when it was supposed to apply, and then I got it - just because I am strong enough to hold it and to take what is being thrown, doesn’t mean I have to. Every time it hits, it’s still getting in and it does hurt me. Actually, it really hurts. I don’t want this weight and I don't want the pain, so I need a new way to protect myself and now I’ve found it - don’t take it, give it back, get out of the way, speak my truth in the moment. I can protect myself without fat. I can stand up for myself. I can keep myself out of other's people's shit and out of their way. I can be safe in this world. I have all I need within to do it.
Emazon also went on to talk about being your true self and making the right choices by listening to what you really need. I've been working a fair bit over the last 6 months on connecting to my truth and understanding what serves me in my life and what doesn't. It was a great reminder. Her simple framework for connecting to your truth and making the right decsions was - The Art of Yes/No. When you say Yes to something, you say No to something else. When you say No to something, you are saying Yes to something else. It is so beautifully simple for me and it's a great way to help when things are feeling a little tricky.
Such amazing lessons for me over the past few weeks. I feel so strong and alive. I feel like I am just starting to live again. I have lost 11.4kg and 49cms of fat from all over my body. I no longer have such pronounced emotional highs and lows. I am really enjoying the food and the exercise. I am loving my son. He is the most amazing person, he has been eating all the food I give him, he supports me doing exercise, he is enjoying my more even emotional state. The other week he said to me - Mummy I think you are perfect just the way you are. That's because he can only see the real me and she is perfect just the way she is. It's the outside layer that I'm shedding on this journey. I'm going to work on seeing myself just as he does. What an inspiring person he is.
I've got 5.3kg to lose over the next 4 weeks to get to 80kgs. That is the rest of my grief weight. I am fired up and ready for it all to go. I'm taking this challenge on.
After my last blog, I decided that this round was my chance to really let go of my grief. I'm calling it my grief weight and just as I drop the fat, I'm going to drop all limitations that this grief has laid on me. The grief was paralysing and debilitating, it stuck me to the lounge, it stopped my in my tracks. I've broken through those shackles now and can take on any chunk of grief that comes my way by acknowledging it, talking to someone about it, pushing through it in a workout and keeping clear about who I am and what is mine. Grief doesn't serve me and it certainly doesn't lead me to freedom.
Which leads me to another amazing challenge that I have taken on - Emazon's Stand Your Ground workshop. I was quite nervous going in, I had no idea what it was going to be like and if it was a really physical workshop and if my body had what it needed to get through. Once it started though, I realised that I should have been more worried about whether I had what it took to dig in emotionally and come out the other side a different woman.
I find it hard to connect with people I don't know at events like that. I think I sit in my fear about who am I, what have I got to offer, people aren't interested in meeting me, I don't have anything interesting to talk about.... yeah, that's pretty inspiring self talk isn't it! So, consequently I didn't really connect much with the other women in the group. I'm going to keep on working on that. I had a great partner for the workshop though, Cherry was full of spirit and gave it all she had. She took the opportunity to strip back some of her fear and feel more of what it's like to be her. She was also able to hold the space for me quite well and helped me get to where I needed to go.
I really loved the workshop. I got to punch, punch really hard. I got to touch those places inside that have been really hurt and are really mad and they got to fight back. I got to stand up for myself in that workshop. I really felt what it was like to say - Fuck Off! You can't touch me, you can't hurt me! I got to fight back and feel strong and powerful and most importantly in control of me and what happens to me.
So much in my life I have absorbed other people's shit. I've been hurt sexually, physically and emotionally. I have struggled through trying to protect myself and trying to stay safe, but so much of the time I haven't been able to do it well. I realised that I have used my fat layer as an absorption layer. It's been a way for me to stay safe when other people have dumped their shit on me. I stood in the way of other people's shit because I thought I could take it, I thought that it wasn't hurting me that much and I was strong enough to take it on. Emazon changed all that. There was one activity we were doing where Cherry was coming back at me with the pads after I had hit them. I kept hearing Emazon say - move around, don’t just take the punches, and I wasn’t sure what she meant or when it was supposed to apply, and then I got it - just because I am strong enough to hold it and to take what is being thrown, doesn’t mean I have to. Every time it hits, it’s still getting in and it does hurt me. Actually, it really hurts. I don’t want this weight and I don't want the pain, so I need a new way to protect myself and now I’ve found it - don’t take it, give it back, get out of the way, speak my truth in the moment. I can protect myself without fat. I can stand up for myself. I can keep myself out of other's people's shit and out of their way. I can be safe in this world. I have all I need within to do it.
Emazon also went on to talk about being your true self and making the right choices by listening to what you really need. I've been working a fair bit over the last 6 months on connecting to my truth and understanding what serves me in my life and what doesn't. It was a great reminder. Her simple framework for connecting to your truth and making the right decsions was - The Art of Yes/No. When you say Yes to something, you say No to something else. When you say No to something, you are saying Yes to something else. It is so beautifully simple for me and it's a great way to help when things are feeling a little tricky.
Such amazing lessons for me over the past few weeks. I feel so strong and alive. I feel like I am just starting to live again. I have lost 11.4kg and 49cms of fat from all over my body. I no longer have such pronounced emotional highs and lows. I am really enjoying the food and the exercise. I am loving my son. He is the most amazing person, he has been eating all the food I give him, he supports me doing exercise, he is enjoying my more even emotional state. The other week he said to me - Mummy I think you are perfect just the way you are. That's because he can only see the real me and she is perfect just the way she is. It's the outside layer that I'm shedding on this journey. I'm going to work on seeing myself just as he does. What an inspiring person he is.
I've got 5.3kg to lose over the next 4 weeks to get to 80kgs. That is the rest of my grief weight. I am fired up and ready for it all to go. I'm taking this challenge on.
Sunday, 19 June 2011
Some of the Back Story
As I step further into this transformation and feel what it is like to take responsibility for myself and make good decisions, my mind takes me back to all the times I have tried this before. I find myself thinking about my past and certain times in my life - wishing I could have found this skill back then, but also just appreciating what is different about then to now.
A few years ago, well, lets be precise, 4.5 years ago, I broke up with Jules. We had been together for nearly 7 years and it was a relationship of highs and lows. Lots of lows, deep lows, especially by the end. Jules used to self harm by cutting herself, and this would happen fairly regularly. She was also an alcoholic and drank at least a 6 pack of beer every night and then went all out on weekends. She also spent a fair bit of time thinking that she would be better off dead. Oh God this is really hard to write. Despite all of this, I loved her very much. She was funny and gave me a sense of protection. She loved me like no one else had before and I lived in hope. I guess over the 7 years I also had become quite entangled with her. I wanted things to change for her, so they could change for me. Every time I wanted to surge forward to a better life for me, it would get a lot harder for our relationship.
Eventually, our relationship ended. Not in a loving and respectful way, but it did end. She went out for the night, kissed another woman and didn't come home until the morning. She told me about it and I left the house, but not before calling her friend because I knew she was going to try to kill herself. Luckily her friend got to her in time and she went to stay with her for a while. I was completely devastated, for so many reasons. We both knew it was the right thing, but it was so hard to actually separate. I had been so used to taking responsibility for her and not for myself. It was so hard for me to let her go.
Our son was 10 months old and it was a week before his first Xmas when it all happened. It took me many months to pick myself up. I functioned in the world, but was so messy inside. I had to sell our house and find somewhere else to live, get a job, organise child care, and work out how to look after a small child 24/7 by myself. I got things sorted, and after a few months, I decided to go the the gym. It was so good. I got a break from my son, I got to have a lot of time to just think and to start moving my body. I had spent a good part of the previous 12 months stuck to the lounge, not doing anything, not having energy or drive. It was such a great thing for me to do. I started to feel alive again.
I still couldn't eat right though. Chocolate was my drug. I had always used chocolate as my friend, but it started getting out of hand after my break up with Jules. About 12 months after starting at the gym, they were having a 12 week challenge. I felt like the time was right to get things moving with my eating and lose some of the weight that I had started putting on again. I promised myself when I started that "this was it!" I was going to get the weight off and keep it off. No more dieting and putting it back on again. I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that I was doing it for me and it was really going to work...blah blah blah... Really what was going on in my head was...if I lose this weight, Jules will notice me again and I will show good I look and she will be sorry that she left me, she might even want to get back together... (it's a bit embarrassing admitting this).
I never got to find out what she thought though because a month into the challenge, she took her own life. I thought I knew loss and I thought I had grieved for her, but it was nothing compared to what I felt after she died. Then on top of that, the guilt I felt made it all so much worse. Her new girlfriend blamed me for her death and so did some of her family and friends. I also blamed me for her death. It took me a long time to work out it wasn't my fault. Every day for 9 months I would wake up and have an argument with myself about whether it was my fault and think about what I could have done differently to save her from dying. Even after my breakthrough moment of realising it wasn't my fault, I still held on to some responsibility. It has taken me all of the last 3 years to keep working on letting her go and not be held back by her or her death.
In those first couple of months, the 12 week challenge, kept me going. I was like a robot - go to the gym, eat what they say. I ended up losing 11 kg and dropping to 80kg. But as soon as it ended, it was like someone had taken my safety net away and I was instantly back into chocolate and fried food. Consequently, over the last 3 years I have put on the 11kgs I lost plus an extra 6.
I have done a lot of work on healing myself emotionally. I want so much to lose this weight and never put it on again. I didn't want to start something until I knew I was doing it only for me, and for that to happen I needed to make sure I had really let go of Jules and was only focussed on myself. For the past year I have been lamenting about feeling so stuck. Stuck in the rut of eating chocolate and other fat full, nutritiously disastrous food and wishing it could be different. I had no faith that anyone could offer me something that would change things for me and I didn't have the skills or self love to do it by myself. I was stuck on the lounge, feeling depressed, constantly self sabotaging any attempt to make a change. I felt hopeless and desperate.
I now realise that is how I have felt a lot during my life. I was waiting for someone to come and fix it for me, or worse still, present me with their own problems that I could focus on instead. The one thing I needed to make the change, was leadership. My own leadership. My own commitment to and responsibility for me. I needed a plan and a push in the right direction and I have found that in the 12wbt program.
I am expecting more of this to come up over this journey. More struggles about the choices I have made and the experiences I have had. More struggles with being the leader of my life and reverting back to wanting someone else to look after it for me. But things have changed. My sense of myself has changed, really changed. I know how I'm supposed to be treating myself now, and I like it. My life has a new direction and the momentum is building. Things can't go back to the way they were, it's all different. Bring on the next 8 weeks!
A few years ago, well, lets be precise, 4.5 years ago, I broke up with Jules. We had been together for nearly 7 years and it was a relationship of highs and lows. Lots of lows, deep lows, especially by the end. Jules used to self harm by cutting herself, and this would happen fairly regularly. She was also an alcoholic and drank at least a 6 pack of beer every night and then went all out on weekends. She also spent a fair bit of time thinking that she would be better off dead. Oh God this is really hard to write. Despite all of this, I loved her very much. She was funny and gave me a sense of protection. She loved me like no one else had before and I lived in hope. I guess over the 7 years I also had become quite entangled with her. I wanted things to change for her, so they could change for me. Every time I wanted to surge forward to a better life for me, it would get a lot harder for our relationship.
Eventually, our relationship ended. Not in a loving and respectful way, but it did end. She went out for the night, kissed another woman and didn't come home until the morning. She told me about it and I left the house, but not before calling her friend because I knew she was going to try to kill herself. Luckily her friend got to her in time and she went to stay with her for a while. I was completely devastated, for so many reasons. We both knew it was the right thing, but it was so hard to actually separate. I had been so used to taking responsibility for her and not for myself. It was so hard for me to let her go.
Our son was 10 months old and it was a week before his first Xmas when it all happened. It took me many months to pick myself up. I functioned in the world, but was so messy inside. I had to sell our house and find somewhere else to live, get a job, organise child care, and work out how to look after a small child 24/7 by myself. I got things sorted, and after a few months, I decided to go the the gym. It was so good. I got a break from my son, I got to have a lot of time to just think and to start moving my body. I had spent a good part of the previous 12 months stuck to the lounge, not doing anything, not having energy or drive. It was such a great thing for me to do. I started to feel alive again.
I still couldn't eat right though. Chocolate was my drug. I had always used chocolate as my friend, but it started getting out of hand after my break up with Jules. About 12 months after starting at the gym, they were having a 12 week challenge. I felt like the time was right to get things moving with my eating and lose some of the weight that I had started putting on again. I promised myself when I started that "this was it!" I was going to get the weight off and keep it off. No more dieting and putting it back on again. I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that I was doing it for me and it was really going to work...blah blah blah... Really what was going on in my head was...if I lose this weight, Jules will notice me again and I will show good I look and she will be sorry that she left me, she might even want to get back together... (it's a bit embarrassing admitting this).
I never got to find out what she thought though because a month into the challenge, she took her own life. I thought I knew loss and I thought I had grieved for her, but it was nothing compared to what I felt after she died. Then on top of that, the guilt I felt made it all so much worse. Her new girlfriend blamed me for her death and so did some of her family and friends. I also blamed me for her death. It took me a long time to work out it wasn't my fault. Every day for 9 months I would wake up and have an argument with myself about whether it was my fault and think about what I could have done differently to save her from dying. Even after my breakthrough moment of realising it wasn't my fault, I still held on to some responsibility. It has taken me all of the last 3 years to keep working on letting her go and not be held back by her or her death.
In those first couple of months, the 12 week challenge, kept me going. I was like a robot - go to the gym, eat what they say. I ended up losing 11 kg and dropping to 80kg. But as soon as it ended, it was like someone had taken my safety net away and I was instantly back into chocolate and fried food. Consequently, over the last 3 years I have put on the 11kgs I lost plus an extra 6.
I have done a lot of work on healing myself emotionally. I want so much to lose this weight and never put it on again. I didn't want to start something until I knew I was doing it only for me, and for that to happen I needed to make sure I had really let go of Jules and was only focussed on myself. For the past year I have been lamenting about feeling so stuck. Stuck in the rut of eating chocolate and other fat full, nutritiously disastrous food and wishing it could be different. I had no faith that anyone could offer me something that would change things for me and I didn't have the skills or self love to do it by myself. I was stuck on the lounge, feeling depressed, constantly self sabotaging any attempt to make a change. I felt hopeless and desperate.
I now realise that is how I have felt a lot during my life. I was waiting for someone to come and fix it for me, or worse still, present me with their own problems that I could focus on instead. The one thing I needed to make the change, was leadership. My own leadership. My own commitment to and responsibility for me. I needed a plan and a push in the right direction and I have found that in the 12wbt program.
I am expecting more of this to come up over this journey. More struggles about the choices I have made and the experiences I have had. More struggles with being the leader of my life and reverting back to wanting someone else to look after it for me. But things have changed. My sense of myself has changed, really changed. I know how I'm supposed to be treating myself now, and I like it. My life has a new direction and the momentum is building. Things can't go back to the way they were, it's all different. Bring on the next 8 weeks!
Friday, 10 June 2011
The Transformation has begun
It's near the end of week 3 and I am still really pumped and excited about this program and what is happening to my body and more importantly my mind. I haven't had any cravings for chocolate or any sweet thing. I haven't had any desire to self sabotage. In fact I'm noticing that I have positive self talk happening. That is probably the most incredible of all the changes so far. I am no longer spending my day thinking about how terrible I am because I ate a particular food, or how terrible I am so I should eat a particular food. In fact my feelings are not getting tied up with my food intake at all. I am just focussing on eating delicious and nutritious food when my body needs it.
I am sure this is obvious for most people. It's how I dream of relating to food, but not something I've ever really been able to achieve. I've been on so many diets, but I've always felt like I'm missing out on something, like I have to give so much up to lose the weight. I reckon that's a big reason why all the weight just piled back on. This time, on this program, my head is in the right spot. This is how I want to eat, this is how I can see myself eating from now on. This is what my body wants and this is what I want.
I don't want to eat chocolate because I remember how I felt when I ate it. I always wanted more of it and more of it. I would eat too much and feel sick and even ashamed. It was my punishment and sometimes my shameful secret. I used it to feed my loneliness, to feed my sadness and my fear. It was a habit and a need.
Now, I want to eat and feel joy because I have nourished my body and given it what it needs to be healthy and happy. I want to meet my loneliness and sadness and fear and honour it and let it go. I don't want it to be in control of my life anymore. Eating this way and moving my body through exercise is melting away my feelings of sadness and fear. I am happy because I am taking control. I'm not scared because it feels easy and possible and amazing to be doing this.
Not to say that I haven't had any humps along the way so far. At the beginning of last week I did a boxing class. I used to do them regularly a few years ago and absolutely loved it. Going into this class I knew it was going to be a challenge, but I ended up pushing myself too hard. I was the only beginner and the trainer was hard core. I didn't listen to my body. I ended up being in a lot of pain for the next 4 days. I didn't have the energy or the drive to do any exercise and it made me feel really sad and cranky. I was mad because I was in so much pain and I couldn't do what I wanted or needed to do. I was sad because I felt like I wasn't living up to my promise to myself. To lead my life, I need to keep safe and well. To push my limits but not exceed what my body is reasonably capable of. To maintain some gentleness so that I can get on with the rest of my life with joy and energy. It is a great lesson to learn so early in this transformative journey. I missed out on some training sessions and I think that affected my weight loss this week. I don't want that to happen again.
This week I am back on track. I have exercised each day and am looking forward to squeezing in a Saturday session as super as I can make it while my son is at a birthday party. I also want to fit in ab work every day. It's something I can easily do at home in the evening. I need to make it a new habit.
I also want to mention my dreams. The funniest thing has been happening. I reckon part of the reason I'm not craving the food I don't want to eat anymore is because I am eating it in my dreams. Last night I dreamt that I ate a chocolate ice-cream and some other creamy deliciousness. I've also dreamt of eating hotdogs and donuts and chips. Even in my dreams I feel guilty straight after eating it. In last nights dream I remember I even said that I wish I was dreaming about that and not actually eating it. As long as all of that weakness and sabotage happens in my dreams and not in reality, I'm a happy woman.
So, the transformation really has begun. I am leading my life, I am feeling strong and capable and energised. My head is in the right spot, it is making consistent loving choices. And my body is loving the food and melting off the fat. Week 1 weigh in -1.7kg Week 2 weigh in -1.7kg Week 3 weigh in -1.3 Total so far -4.7kgs. I just need to do that another 5 or 6 times and I'll be exactly where I want to be. Bring it on!!!
I am sure this is obvious for most people. It's how I dream of relating to food, but not something I've ever really been able to achieve. I've been on so many diets, but I've always felt like I'm missing out on something, like I have to give so much up to lose the weight. I reckon that's a big reason why all the weight just piled back on. This time, on this program, my head is in the right spot. This is how I want to eat, this is how I can see myself eating from now on. This is what my body wants and this is what I want.
I don't want to eat chocolate because I remember how I felt when I ate it. I always wanted more of it and more of it. I would eat too much and feel sick and even ashamed. It was my punishment and sometimes my shameful secret. I used it to feed my loneliness, to feed my sadness and my fear. It was a habit and a need.
Now, I want to eat and feel joy because I have nourished my body and given it what it needs to be healthy and happy. I want to meet my loneliness and sadness and fear and honour it and let it go. I don't want it to be in control of my life anymore. Eating this way and moving my body through exercise is melting away my feelings of sadness and fear. I am happy because I am taking control. I'm not scared because it feels easy and possible and amazing to be doing this.
Not to say that I haven't had any humps along the way so far. At the beginning of last week I did a boxing class. I used to do them regularly a few years ago and absolutely loved it. Going into this class I knew it was going to be a challenge, but I ended up pushing myself too hard. I was the only beginner and the trainer was hard core. I didn't listen to my body. I ended up being in a lot of pain for the next 4 days. I didn't have the energy or the drive to do any exercise and it made me feel really sad and cranky. I was mad because I was in so much pain and I couldn't do what I wanted or needed to do. I was sad because I felt like I wasn't living up to my promise to myself. To lead my life, I need to keep safe and well. To push my limits but not exceed what my body is reasonably capable of. To maintain some gentleness so that I can get on with the rest of my life with joy and energy. It is a great lesson to learn so early in this transformative journey. I missed out on some training sessions and I think that affected my weight loss this week. I don't want that to happen again.
This week I am back on track. I have exercised each day and am looking forward to squeezing in a Saturday session as super as I can make it while my son is at a birthday party. I also want to fit in ab work every day. It's something I can easily do at home in the evening. I need to make it a new habit.
I also want to mention my dreams. The funniest thing has been happening. I reckon part of the reason I'm not craving the food I don't want to eat anymore is because I am eating it in my dreams. Last night I dreamt that I ate a chocolate ice-cream and some other creamy deliciousness. I've also dreamt of eating hotdogs and donuts and chips. Even in my dreams I feel guilty straight after eating it. In last nights dream I remember I even said that I wish I was dreaming about that and not actually eating it. As long as all of that weakness and sabotage happens in my dreams and not in reality, I'm a happy woman.
So, the transformation really has begun. I am leading my life, I am feeling strong and capable and energised. My head is in the right spot, it is making consistent loving choices. And my body is loving the food and melting off the fat. Week 1 weigh in -1.7kg Week 2 weigh in -1.7kg Week 3 weigh in -1.3 Total so far -4.7kgs. I just need to do that another 5 or 6 times and I'll be exactly where I want to be. Bring it on!!!
Friday, 27 May 2011
Beginnings
I've decided to start a blog so I can capture the experience of changing my life. I have started the 12 week body transformation so I can get the help and support I need to lose weight and live the life of my dreams from this day on. This is not a diet for me, it's not a 12 week program, it's not something I am going to try out. This is my life. More than anything, I never want to have to lose weight like this again. I never want to go shopping in the fat section again. I never want to see a beautiful dress and wish I could wear something like that. I never want to be stuck in the rut of bad food, no moving, bad feeling, paralysed, bad food, no moving, bad feeling, paralysed cycle ever again. I don't want to constantly self sabotage myself and drag myself down into feeling not worthy and not deserving.
This is what I want and what I choose:
This is my life and i CAN choose
I choose to lose weight
I choose to treat myself with respect
I choose to feed my body with love
I choose to treat my body with love
I can lose weight and keep it off
I choose to feel light and free and strong and capable
I choose to play not sit
I am responsible for my actions today
It's not all or nothing
I choose to listen to my body and honour it - no giving up
I choose to make a new momentum for my life
I have this up on my fridge. Everytime I read it I feel a little bit stronger and a little more motivated. To know I can choose gives me all the power I need to choose love. It gives me all the power I need to hear the fear and take control.
This leads me to an explanation - why the title? In my life, I noticed that I have a natural capacity to lead others. I am happy to take responsibility for jobs that need to be done and do them well. I love to be the leader of my family. I take my responsibility as a parent very seriously. I want the very best for my son, I want him to grow into a good man - a strong, healthy, happy, good man. So I take the lead in setting limits and making sure he eats well, loves well and is well loved. The problem seems to be, I have not been that leader for myself. I haven't taken responsibility for meeting my own needs, I haven't taken responsibility in making sure I am well loved and that I love myself well. I need to step up, I am the one who needs to do this and most importantly I can. I can lead myself to the life I want and deserve. I can unburden myself from the pain of my past and lead myself to my future. There is no-one else that can do it for me, right? So that's what I'm doing. I'm stepping up, for me.
Ha, that feels so good to write. I almost feel like jumping up out of my seat with a big WOOOOT! It's been such a long road to this point. I've been trying to break out of my paralysis for change for about a year now. I've been talking about it and thinking about it and wishing for it to happen, but I was stuck. I am so thankful to my wonderful friend Donna for being brave enough to sign up for this program and start talking about it. I was totally inspired by her movement in the direction of change. It offered me an opportunity to get unstuck, and here I am.
It's day 5 and I am so excited. Each time I go to the gym, I am beaming with joy as I burn the calories and I have visions of the fat melting off my body. I am enjoying every meal - they are full of flavour and my body sings with delight at being fed nutritious and delicious meals. I am tracking my calories in and out and I really feel that part of the process is going to keep me on track and honest.
I lost 1.7kg in the Week 1 weigh in, and I find that astonishing. It was such an amazing motivator - it really is working, there are results, this can really happen. When I set my goals at the beginning it all seemed so abstract and I wondered if it really was possible. Now, I am absolutely sure that I will hit my target for this round and I will keep going and I will lose a minimum of 30kg.
This is my mission:
To never be this size again! To step into being the woman I want to be. To be the leader for MY life.
I commit to my goal of losing 35kg within the next 12 months. I will stick to the food and exercise plan and tackle this journey one day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time.
I will be organised and prioritise MY needs. I will make and take the time I need to exercise and shop and cook to make this happen.
This is what I want and what I choose:
This is my life and i CAN choose
I choose to lose weight
I choose to treat myself with respect
I choose to feed my body with love
I choose to treat my body with love
I can lose weight and keep it off
I choose to feel light and free and strong and capable
I choose to play not sit
I am responsible for my actions today
It's not all or nothing
I choose to listen to my body and honour it - no giving up
I choose to make a new momentum for my life
I have this up on my fridge. Everytime I read it I feel a little bit stronger and a little more motivated. To know I can choose gives me all the power I need to choose love. It gives me all the power I need to hear the fear and take control.
This leads me to an explanation - why the title? In my life, I noticed that I have a natural capacity to lead others. I am happy to take responsibility for jobs that need to be done and do them well. I love to be the leader of my family. I take my responsibility as a parent very seriously. I want the very best for my son, I want him to grow into a good man - a strong, healthy, happy, good man. So I take the lead in setting limits and making sure he eats well, loves well and is well loved. The problem seems to be, I have not been that leader for myself. I haven't taken responsibility for meeting my own needs, I haven't taken responsibility in making sure I am well loved and that I love myself well. I need to step up, I am the one who needs to do this and most importantly I can. I can lead myself to the life I want and deserve. I can unburden myself from the pain of my past and lead myself to my future. There is no-one else that can do it for me, right? So that's what I'm doing. I'm stepping up, for me.
Ha, that feels so good to write. I almost feel like jumping up out of my seat with a big WOOOOT! It's been such a long road to this point. I've been trying to break out of my paralysis for change for about a year now. I've been talking about it and thinking about it and wishing for it to happen, but I was stuck. I am so thankful to my wonderful friend Donna for being brave enough to sign up for this program and start talking about it. I was totally inspired by her movement in the direction of change. It offered me an opportunity to get unstuck, and here I am.
It's day 5 and I am so excited. Each time I go to the gym, I am beaming with joy as I burn the calories and I have visions of the fat melting off my body. I am enjoying every meal - they are full of flavour and my body sings with delight at being fed nutritious and delicious meals. I am tracking my calories in and out and I really feel that part of the process is going to keep me on track and honest.
I lost 1.7kg in the Week 1 weigh in, and I find that astonishing. It was such an amazing motivator - it really is working, there are results, this can really happen. When I set my goals at the beginning it all seemed so abstract and I wondered if it really was possible. Now, I am absolutely sure that I will hit my target for this round and I will keep going and I will lose a minimum of 30kg.
This is my mission:
To never be this size again! To step into being the woman I want to be. To be the leader for MY life.
I commit to my goal of losing 35kg within the next 12 months. I will stick to the food and exercise plan and tackle this journey one day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time.
I will be organised and prioritise MY needs. I will make and take the time I need to exercise and shop and cook to make this happen.
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